Enlightenment Straight Up

Tonight I thought I'd talk about what I assume you're all here for. I know it's what I am here for. I thought I would talk about enlightenment straight out or you could say, straight up, no chaser, how's that (laughter)?

Perhaps the simplest way of speaking about truth, which is what enlightenment is, the discovery of what's true, what's real, what's actual, one of the possibly more accurate ways of talking about what that is, is actually very, very simple. Not very satisfying to the mind but very simple and that's the direct, abiding realization that you don't exist. Anything else ain't it. When you realize that you don't exist, that you never did exist and that you won't exist, then you could be said to be making, whatever spiritual progress is, you've just made some (laughter).

So that's not a satisfying statement to the mind at all; in fact it's a quite ridiculous statement to the mind. There couldn't be a more ridiculous statement to the mind, I suppose, that you don't exist. Because you can just look down at your toes and insist that you do exist. Of course I would insist that you don't.

But this statement is not a statement of philosophy, which is how the mind hears it, the philosophy of "I don't exist." It is the DIRECT EXPERIENCE. It's an experience that's translated into words, into language. The language isn't really the truth but it's much closer to put into language that you don't exist than you do. It's much closer to the truth when you actually examine, through inquiry, meditatively, in silence, not philosophically but actually using your own direct experience you find that EVERY SINGLE THING that you can point to, that you identify with, is something that ceases when you stop conceptualizing it.

Now if I was to go through all the innumerable ways people seek a separate identity, we would be here all night. So each person is invited to examine this for yourself. But literally from the most obvious ways that human beings find their identity through thoughts and beliefs (I've talked about that a lot), through emotional experiences, through experiences of all types, all sorts of concepts, everywhere you can put your sense of "I," it dissolves as soon as you stop holding it there conceptually. No matter where you put the "I," in some coarse intellectual conclusion like, "I am really good or worthy or unworthy or lovable," a very coarse sense of identity, or something very subtle like "I am consciousness." It's not actually true.

The consciousness is true, the "I" isn't. It's an overlay. It's an owning of experience, which is what the mind does. It owns experience, from the most coarse to most unimaginably subtle, the mind tends to own that experience. But all of the ownership is in the mind. The conclusion, that there is an "I" that owns whatever experience there is, is of the mind.

You're of course programmed to have a certain sense of ownership. Your biology needs a certain sense of ownership to function. Without any sense of ownership, in your biology your cells wouldn't know how to act and you wouldn't ever turn your head when somebody called your name. So there's a certain sense of ownership that comes as a part of consciousness. Have you noticed that when you're conscious, there's a sense of ownership? "I'm conscious, I'm here." Even if not verbally, even if you're not saying that because of course most people don't go around saying to themselves, "I'm conscious now." But they feel that.

If the examination is deep enough, intense enough and sincere enough, all ownership, all sense of "I," is eventually seen through. All sense of "I" is seen as an illusion, a fabrication. And like I said, what I'm speaking isn't philosophy; it's an invitation to find out for yourself. This isn't theology 101; this is find-out-for-yourself 101. And when you look at it, you see that everything you could identify as self doesn't have a self until your mind inserts self into it. Your body doesn't even have a self until you insert a self into it.

"I." It's the first piece of language we learn, pretty much. One of the first pieces of language that is learned is "I." It comes in very useful when you're hungry. "I want a bottle." If you just said "bottle," lord knows what the adults would do; they wouldn't know you were hungry, but "I want a bottle," comes in very handy.

So there is sort of a biological imperative, a necessity, that gives rise to that sense. But if you really deeply look into it and start to deconstruct to see that everything the mind takes as having an "I" or a "mine" or a "me," it doesn't inherently exist. It's fabricated in the mind, moment to moment.

Really, enlightenment is seeing this so clearly, so thoroughly, so deeply and so absolutely that everything is not known intellectually or as a matter of belief but it's actually comes ALIVE in you. There's a knowing, an undeniable knowing that has nothing to do with an intellectual conclusion, that there isn't an "I" anywhere. Even if it seems like there's one, even if it feels like there's one; there's not. Which is what all egoic trances, all the forms that the ego becomes fixated with, all ego defenses are ULTIMATELY in the end a defense against no "I," against the realization of no "I." All of the ego strategies, if you follow them all the way back, just pick any one, they always come to the fear that you won't exist or that you'll die. Every single one. So all the egoic identities are actually a way of keeping the mind's attention away from what liberation really is, which is no "I."

When this is seen clearly enough, all that's left is that, which is all that was there was in the first place, THAT. Whatever you call that, but that's what's left, that which is always prior to every construction. If you just let your construction be, if it's a mental construction, a thought, you let the thought be. There's nothing wrong with a thought; a thought's just a thought, some are useful, most aren't. Prior to the thought, there's that direct experience that can't be described because if you can describe it, you'll find that there's an experience prior to that. And if you can describe that one, you'll find there's one prior to that. And if you always trace it back, you'll find there is a (pauses) non-experience that's always prior to every experience, every thought. It's always there. It's the most central thing about you. THE most central thing about you. In that place there isn't any you because there's no formation, there's no conceptual formation. All the conceptual formations are out in front of you. There is no emotional formation. Emotions may be experienced but they're either out in front or around. They're not in the CORE. There's not even the great spiritual (pauses) essences, you could say. There's not love, there's no peace, there's not bliss, there's always something that is prior to all these experiences. As beautiful as they are and as rich a part of the human experience as they are, there is something prior.

There is always the unconceptualized state, or what I call, the stateless state. It's actually not far away, it's not far away. The stateless state is the very thing, I often say, that is looking out through your eyes in this moment. The stateless state is looking through you. It's the only constant there is. You can sense the stateless state; you can sense it in the moment. In the stateless state there is no "I," no "me," no "you."

And you notice that from this which is not a state, the first concept that keeps leaping out is "I." It's the first concept. So if there's a feeling, the first thing that will jump out of this state is, "I feel." If there is a thought, the first thing that will leap from that stateless place is, "I think." Whatever it is, "I agree, I disagree, I feel love, I feel peace, I'm angry, I'm confused," the first thing that's always jumping out of that which is not an experience, where the is no "I," the first thing that keeps leaping out is "I," a sense of identity.

So there's nothing to do about that because there's nothing wrong with that, nothing wrong with it at all. It's not a matter of trying to get that "I" thought to stop leaping out of the eternal; it's not a matter of trying to keep that from happening. Because that's just another thought too, the thought that says, "I need to keep that thought from happening." So that's not necessary. It's just seeing it. When it's seen, then your energy is able to continue what I often call the backwards step which is from the Zen tradition I was trained in.

It's the place where Ramana was trying to bring the attention of all those who came to see him. He was always telling them to ask, "who am I?" Not so they sit around like a bunch of parrots but simply to return the energy of awareness back to the stateless, the ground, the source.

It"s the joke of all spiritual inquiry that when you ask, "who am I?" or "what am I?", when you ultimately find the ultimate answer, it's a joke because there isn't an "I." So you spend all this time looking for your true self only to find there isn't one (chuckles). That's the liberation. What's there, what's found, everybody discovers for themselves. We can put words on that but if it's just a word, then the mind goes, "now I understand," and it's prior to that, you see what I mean?

The sense of "I" starts to collapse into the center, into the infinite, into emptiness. There may be great experiences along the way, both wonderful and horrible, frightening and ecstatic. There may be amazing experiences in the direct realization that there is no separate self. There may be great relief, joy, peace and bliss, and as long as the "I" does not reemerge and identify as those experiences, you'll be free and able to rest in your true nature. The experiences will be there effortlessly without being attached to them; they don't need to be gotten rid of. If the mind reasserts the "I" and says, "I am peace," then the wheel of suffering has begun again. It may not feel like it at the moment but in time ... . Even identification with the really great qualities of being ultimately puts you back on the wheel.

Be clear that these qualities of being, the essences of your being, can be experienced. It's not the qualities of being, the peace, love, joy or bliss that ever become problematic. They can never catch you unless the "I" starts to identify itself with them. Because the infinite is even prior to love; it's the source of love, of compassion, of experiences of fullness, of emptiness, of all energies, whether a headache in your head or kundalini arising through your spine. It's the source, the source of great thoughts, great discoveries, and great mistakes.

When our sense of self has finally been allowed to collapse into emptiness, the infinite, only then do we see that everything is just an expression of that. Everything is an expression of that which is indescribable. That's the oneness. So when you look at a human being, you know. You don't even have to think it; it's not a philosophy. If no one ever told you, you’d still know it; if you never read it in a book, you'd still know it. When you look at another human being, you would know you're looking at THAT. That essence, the infinite, you would know you're looking at the infinite. If you were looking at a flea, you would know you're looking at the infinite. If you look at your breakfast cereal, you would know you're looking at the infinite. If you have an amazingly beautiful, powerful, spiritual experience, you would know the infinite has just put on a beautiful light show for you. If you have the most amazing insight, you know that is just an expression of the infinite. The truth never resides in the insight, the truth is that place the insight arose from.

And so you enjoy it. If you're angry, then you see that as the infinite. If you're sad, then you know that is the infinite. And then as a human being, you're not divided anymore inside against yourself. When you're not divided against yourself, then you're not divided against others because there's only that. Then there's no experience to maintain because no experience is that in its essence. So you're relieved of the burden of having to maintain an experience, including the experience of being free. It doesn't really matter.

Just simply by looking for oneself. This is the part that nobody can do for you. No guru, no teacher can do it for you. You can get zapped with lots of experiences, you can have lots of energies transmitted, but since the ultimate truth, which liberation is about, isn't an energy and it's not an experience, it can't be transmitted because you already are it. You can't be given what you already are. At best you can be given a sword to begin the process of deconstructing yourself, not literally, you got to watch yourself these days (laughter). That would be a profoundly deluded "I" thought (chuckles).

The stateless state is actually right HERE, it's right where you are. It's what you are. The mind and the spiritual seeker have a huge investment of not looking at that because there's nothing there for it. It's always looking in experiences and going, "that's a good experience so I'll pay attention to that and that's a rotten one so I'm not going to pay attention to that. Oh, I felt a little bliss down in the lower chakra; that's good; I'm going to pay attention to that (laughter)." But when someone goes, "it's none of that; it's the stateless thing," the "I" says, "I have no interest in the stateless thing, the stateless is a boring thing to me," says the "I." "There's nothing there." And of course I would say, that's the whole point; there's nothing there. And when you find the nothing, you'll find a lot more than you ever bargained for. But to the mind there's nothing there and "what would I ever want with that? I'm searching for the other enlightenment." You know, the one that doesn't really exist (chuckles). It's like buying a candy bar when what you need is a good, solid meal.

So what I say is that it's important to trust your experience. Because all that anybody really has on the spiritual path is their experience and their integrity. That's all you got. And that's all you need. If you have your own integrity and experience, that's all you ever need. And if your integrity is being compromised because you're afraid or bored or whatever, then you've lost your integrity. Which is fine. All you have to do is gather it back up. What's really true? What's really something that's not a construct?

And just seeing that all senses of self are a construct is a huge step. Whether your sense of self is very limited and painful or more happy, or whether your sense of self has gone cosmic and you think you're the energy of the whole universe, there’s still an "I" sense and just seeing it is the beginning of it spontaneously being let go of. Just to see it.

When you talk directly of what self-realization is, of what real enlightenment is, it doesn't sound like a bunch of bells and whistles. When you realize it, you realize that it's actually much better than the bells and whistles simply because it's free of the bells and whistles. Do you know what I mean by bells and whistles? The advertised bliss and expansion of consciousness, whatever you think you'll be when you think you're enlightened (chuckles). To be free of the one who needs that, that's the biggest freedom, that's the biggest bliss. That's not describable. It's not understandable and yet it's so present.

And the truth is, it's not available even in the words that I'm speaking. I suggest you listen a lot more to the silence in between the words. When the words stop (pauses). That's what's important. It's the infinite that wakes up. The little guy that I thought I was running around for fifteen years trying to be enlightened is actually the guy I woke up out of. That's the guy I woke up out of. The guy who ever thought he could even be enlightened is the guy that I woke up out of. The one who was seeking is the one who got woken up out of. The one who thought he was attaining something after ten years of Zen practice is the one who got woken up out of. Including the one who thought he had failed in many ways and wasn't getting it and all the negative stuff, that one was woken up out of too.

And nobody could possibly dream how close and intimate this oneness actually is. No one could imagine how close because it is you, thoroughly, from the cells in your body to everything else, it is you. All that's needs to be is a direct cutting, seeing, deep penetration through the mind's endless attempts to be separate, to claim ownership. You don't have to get rid of ownership; just see there isn't ownership. It's just a mirage of mind. This is a very deep seeing, very intimate, that's available in the moment.

Now please remember that I'm saying that you do or don't exist. I'm saying that the concept that you don't exist is a LOT closer to the truth than the concept that you do exist. If one was to take this as a new philosophy, that would be sorely misleading. That would be not true. This that's awake, there, so clearly has no separation, so clearly has no boundaries, so clearly has no owner. It's so clearly available, so nothing to understand. Only then are you beyond fear.

Have you ever had a beautiful experience, an amazing heart opening, what you might say is an "enlightenment experience," if such things exist. And it's beautiful and your heart's open and you feel free and expanded and timeless, and if there's any sense of "I," the "I" is going to come in and start to worry about losing it. Have you had that experience, "oh god, I'm going to lose it."? It's fear. That's the "I." You don't have to get rid of it, just see it. It gets rid of itself when you see it without any intention to get rid of it. If you grew up your whole life thinking two plus two is three, when you really got it that two plus two is four, you don't have to get rid of your old idea that two plus two is three, do you? You don't have to let go of it, surrender it (laughter) or purge it from your system (chuckles), right? If you actually see it clearly, two plus two is four, not three, it gets rid of itself.

That a beautiful thing about an intelligent human being. That's what surrender really is. Surrender isn't something that an "I" does because the "I" only surrenders as a bargain. Have you ever noticed that your surrendering to god is always as a bargain? It may feel like surrender but way back there you're hoping that you get the good side of a bargain. "I'll give up everything, god, I'll give my whole life to you," which really isn't true because you're really expecting something big in return (chuckles). What would you do if you were to surrender everything and all god was to do is come down and throw a pie in your face (laughter)? "Thanks for the surrender." Would it be so interesting anymore?

So the "me" is always involved in a negotiation. It's a business deal. Most spirituality, if you get really honest about it, it's a business deal. You're doing everything you do and hoping you get something really good in return. Which is okay. It's not bad. It's not good and it's not bad. You just see it. The seeing is the letting go. You just see it.

There's no need for a deal, there's no need for an exchange. There's no need to give up something or give up everything to get something in exchange. It's not necessary because you're that. All deals, all business exchanges in spirituality, they're just forms of the separate self living out another delusion. If there's only one truth ultimately, taking all these beautiful forms, this amazing complexity, intelligence, to realize it's this one nothing, there's no deal to make. All you ever had to do is realize what you are. You never had to make a deal, you never had to surrender something to get something better. All you had to do is wake up and see what you are.

And then when the "I" arises, you just see it as a functional necessity, like feet that help you to walk. An "I" sense helps your head to turn around when someone calls your name and helps you to know which mouth to put the food in when your stomach gets hungry. It's a necessity but there's no "I" there, there's no separate self there. There is however a beautiful, pure, 100% flowering manifestation of the ultimate truth which you call you and there will never be another one like that one ever again. So this doesn't preclude uniqueness. Everywhere you look the infinite is flowering in a totally unique way that is never to be repeated. The diversity is unimaginable. There is no loss of uniqueness, there is just no ownership of uniqueness which allows your life to flower all the more because there is no ownership of the uniqueness of your life. And there is no judgment of the uniqueness of your life, whether you think the uniqueness is a good uniqueness or a bad uniqueness, a right or wrong uniqueness, it is simply a unique expression of the divine; everything else is a separating thought.

Okay, are there any questions?